I am pregnant with the third child that we have been given the privilege of cherishing on this earth. Have I mentioned that lately? Probably not. I'm just now realizing how second nature this pregnancy has become for me... and how little I talk about the baby.
Our first son was an all-consuming obsession as we prepared to enter parenthood. Our second son was the blessing we'd prayed for and the playmate that Caleb so desperately needed. This sweet little babe is a conundrum for me. The world has told me that I don't need any more children than I have, yet we are still so overjoyed to have been given this one more baby. I guess to avoid the conflict and judgment that go with having more than two children, I've just stopped talking publicly about this pregnancy. I hate that. 'Cause I'm really excited. Nervous. Overwhelmed. Overjoyed.
You know what the other weird thing is? I really don't care if it's a boy or a girl. Not even a little. In fact, when people ask what gender we want, I can honestly say, "I'm so glad we don't have to choose!" How would I decide between the blessing of a daughter (a new adventure) or a boy (the adventure we're already knee-deep in)? In fact, I am wildly at peace about our ultrasound tomorrow, no matter the gender. This baby kicks like crazy already so I know he or she will be able to hold their own in this crazy house. After two fairly laid-back children, wouldn't it just be like God to give us a firecracker?
So instead of praying about gender or how our family will cope with change or negative judgments (something I'm not very good at), I find myself praying that this child will bring glory to God in an unimaginable way, that we will see the Holy Spirit working in our sons to love and nurture this new life alongside us. I know that I won't be enough...that I'm not even enough right now. There will be one of me and three of them for the majority of our days; and, as I see my power decrease, I pray that the strength and peace of God will reign more mightily in my heart and life. And this thought keeps lifting my spirit today: "It is not my ability, but my response to God’s ability, that counts." Corrie ten Boom (1892–1983) Amen. And in His strength, I will love and lead the lives He has given me. Fully. Intentionally. Completely dependent on grace.