Sunday, January 6, 2013

I never thought...

I never thought I would have a daughter.

When the Lord gives you two sons in a row, 23 months apart, you get stuck in the mindset of raising men, constructing train tracks, refereeing wrestling matches.  You get used to shunning the pink section of the baby department, knowing it's not for you.  It's for those other moms.  The ones who can do hair and tie bows.  The ones who have been given daughters.

I was sure that would never be me.  But there it was on the ultrasound screen. "It looks like a girl."

My first response, "Are you sure?  Could you check again?"

"I'll check again, but it's pretty clear.  You're having a girl."

My second response: mental panic.  I don't know how to do hair.  To dress a girl.  And then bigger panic.  I don't know how to help her see her great worth when so often I am blind to my own.  To hold her hand as she navigates a world of confusing messages, so many of them attacking the soul of who God made her to be.  I'm pretty sure that this momma is still wading through those deep waters, still grappling to discern truth from fiction.

But then peace.  Jehovah does not give as the world gives.  In this world we receive tasks as we show ourselves worthy, as we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and prove our value.  But in His Kingdom, He lavishly gives good gifts, and then He supplies the grace we need to follow Him in obedience and in caring for those gifts, even the precious little gifts of life that He has placed deep within my being before bringing them into the light of this confusing world.

Do I feel better that her room is prepared and there are clean, pale pink shirts in her drawer? Yes.  But the bigger mountain I face, walking my girl through a world that has destroyed so many daughters of Eve,  I can't prepare for in an few months of momentous effort.  I have to journey hand-in-hand with my Savior, clinging to the truth of His Word, so that I have the strength to hold this little one's tiny grasp.

I don't know why I didn't feel this sense of urgency with the boys.  Perhaps in my mind boys are more resilient.  Perhaps I knew that my little men were looking to Teacher Man as their model, and he is so solid. So clear.  So confident.  Yet as important as her relationship with her daddy will be, I know she'll watch me to know what it is to be a woman.  Deeper: what it is to be a woman of the Word, to be a believer priestess.  And that challenges me to my core.

Knowing this is beyond my might, all I can do is lift up my hands for grace and say... thank you.  Thank you, Lord, that You are not content to leave me where I am.  Thank You for bringing me this girl child, who is already mining her way deep into my heart, exposing hurt and a immeasurable need for You.  Thank You for being sufficient, for healing those hurts, for redeeming the pain, for drawing me close into Your heart.  And thank You for the gift of a daughter, such a special delight in this house full of rowdy, wonderful boys.  Yes.  Thank You for this gift, more precious than we will ever know.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Krista, I hear you! First, let me say it has weighed on you with the boys. You've both been completely intentional about how you are raising them, and you've checked every part of their upbringing against a greater vision. It's just that the vision for a daughter is a little different. It is a lot of weight for you to carry, but we're in over our heads from the moment that pregnancy test reads positive, honestly. You will LOVE having a daughter, and God will have grace for both of you--to teach you how to raise her, and to make up for the mistakes you may (will) make for her. In the meantime, though, is joy like you've never yet known. And you will grow into these new roles together. Hang in there, and hold on. Your world is about to change in a fantastic way! She will fill your life in ways no one else has yet. SO excited for you!